LOS ANGELES — Billionaire hedge fund guy and corporate kiss-butt Tom Steyer has decided to abandon his 2020 presidential aspirations, blaming his string of losses and lack of name recognition on “climate change.”
“I’ve told everyone for years this was a huge, huge problem, and by golly, look what happened — I was right!” Steyer told a small room half-filled with supporters as he announced his decision.
“If ever there was proof of human-caused climate change, this is it. If that blasted Trump hadn’t backed out of the Paris Climate Accords, I would be well on my way by now to defeating him in November,” Steyer said.
“He has no business sitting in the Oval Office, where I should be,” said the billionaire hedge fund guy of Trump before turning his anger to historic weather patterns.
“Climate change would simply vanish if I would have become president, which is probably why climate change was working against me in the first place. It didn’t want me to destroy it!” he wailed.
Asked what he would have done regarding climate change if he had managed to secure the presidency, Steyer was quick to respond.
“I’d have banned it!” he exclaimed. “Banned it outright! ‘Be gone, climate change!’ Trump could do that today but he won’t because he loves carbon dioxide!”