Researchers say bad table manners, excessive gas may lead to increased loneliness

DURHAM, N.H. — A team of researchers specializing in social behavior have just published a groundbreaking study that seems to indicate a combination of terrible table manners and habitual flatulence can lead to excessive loneliness.

Dr. Peter Morrow, head of the science department at the University of New Hampshire, said his team believes it has stumbled onto a major finding that’s going to change lives for millions.

“We had suspected that being rude to people, eating more than your fair share, putting your elbows on the dinner table, and an occasional belch is what caused some people to not be asked back to dinner,” Morrow said, citing his team’s findings.

“But when you couple these bad manners and habits with letting one — or more — rip while everyone’s eating, chronic loneliness rises by a factor of at least 10,” Morrow added.

To reach their conclusions, Morrow said his team managed to get themselves invited to three types of food gatherings: Swanky, ordinary family dinner, and meeting in a fast food setting.

In all instances, he said, researchers who engaged in a series of bad manners were seldom asked back for repeat dinner engagements. And when they farted at the table in combination with bad manners, the chances of them being asked to a return engagement fell to nearly zero.

“We’re fairly certain we can make the link to these habits and increased periods of loneliness,” Morrow added. He said that he would like to conduct additional research but will have to find a new team of scientists “because everyone around here now knows them.”

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