WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced today that he was suspending travel from Green Bay, Wis., to the rest of the country amid a growing and potentially highly contagious cheesehead outbreak.
“This is for the good of the country, and certainly for the good of Green Bay residents, that I can tell you,” the president said in the Oval Office. “My administration is taking quick and decisive action to prevent this condition from spreading. We are dedicated to ensuring that the cheesehead outbreak doesn’t get past the city limits of Green Bay.”
Asked about the seriousness of the threat, the president was grim.
“I want to tell you this isn’t something I take lightly, nor should any American, don’t take it lightly,” Trump said. “If the cheesehead outbreak is allowed to spread, we all run the risk of forever speaking with a strange accent, developing an affinity for 340 days of cold weather, and the doomed prospect of never being able to attract a Major League Baseball or NBA franchise.”
Calling his Green Bay travel ban “perfect” and “the best ever,” the president quickly dismissed criticism that he is a cheese bigot.
“People who know me know that isn’t true, it’s not true,” the president said. “It’s fake news. I’ve always had great respect for cheeseheads. But look, we can’t let them infect the rest of the country. It’s a sports health issue.”