White House implores Americans to stop panic-buying of Q-Tips over irrational fear of ear wax epidemic

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House is asking Americans to stop panic-buying of Q-tips, saying that outsized fears of an ear wax epidemic are overblown.

“We’d like to just reassure all Americans that there are plenty of Q-tips to go around, that there is no reason to horde this product,” White House spokeswoman Stephanie Grisham said. “As anxious as a build-up of ear wax can make us, it’s not logical to rush the stores and buy up every Q-tip you can find.

“The administration is aware that allergy season is approaching and as such there are additional concerns that an ear wax epidemic is eminent,” Grisham continued. “But none of the data we’ve received from the CDC indicates this is the case.”

She added that the CDC anticipated a “normal year for ear wax” and that no one is at any heightened risk of being grossed out by huge balls of brownish substance lodged in their ear canals.

That said, the White House noted further that Q-Tip makers reported an adequate supply of the product as long as Americans don’t rush out and buy truckloads at a time.

“There’s no reason for that,” Grisham said. “The president wants everyone to have access to these invaluable hearing improvement products whenever they need them.

“It’s going to be a long allergy season,” she added. “We would just urge calm.”

She added that President Trump was not contemplating ordering the closure of restaurants, bars, and Walgreens stores “at this time.”

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