Study finds Americans willing to become fat slobs at home indefinitely but only if Congress feeds, clothes them

MISSOULA — A University of Montana study has concluded that most Americans are willing to allow Congress to feed and clothe them for the foreseeable future.

“Our study indicates that a vast majority of Americans are satisfied with staying at home and not working well into the future, but only in exchange for a free ride from the government,” Dr. Laurence Miles, professor of human nature who led the study, said.

“We were a little surprised by the results,” he continued. “Generally speaking, Americans are a pretty independent lot. But when they find they can goof off most of the day, screw around, play video games, drink beer on the couch, and spend more time on porn sites, they really enjoy that kind of lifestyle.”

“One of our study participants summed it up when he said, ‘I like to pay my own way and all, but work can be such a bummer,'” Miles said. “He’s right. I mean, I have to come in nearly every day, and frankly work life can get to be a ‘bummer.'”

Asked how Congress could come up with the money to keep 327 million Americans at home indefinitely, Miles waved off the question.

“Bernie Sanders has this wired, man,” he said. “No sweat.”

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