HOBOKEN — Homeland Security officials said today that tens of thousands of lights that lit up the sky over New Jersey last night have been identified as lost souls who say the state has simply become inhabitable even for them.
“You know, a lost soul can only bear so much anguish and grief,” said one, who only identified himself as “Tim,” as he prepared to float away.
“When I came here some years ago, there was just enough misery,” the emanating light continued. “For me, it was a lot like what some people might describe as heaven on earth.
“But in recent years, I gotta tell ya, the misery index has risen so high it’s too much even for a lost soul,” Tim continued. “And that’s why we’re all leaving. Even we can’t stand it.”
Tim noted that not all lost souls are leaving New Jersey.
“Well, only the worst are staying at this point,” he said, shimmering in preparation for lift-off. “You know, the real adrenaline junkies. The souls who feed off of other souls. It’s getting dangerous here, man, things are that bad. And those of us who are just regular Joe and Jane lost souls, we know we don’t have what it takes to stay. We gotta get out now.”