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FDA quickly approves system to decontaminate, reuse toilet paper during mass shortages

WASHINGTON — As the country reels from toilet paper shortages thanks to irrational panic buying during the virus outbreak, the FDA has cut through reams of red tape to approve a new conservation process.

Officials said the controversial new system will permit the manufacture of at-home kits that will enable consumers to decontaminate and at least partially restore used toilet paper.

“It’s not the best system and it really does require more testing, but we have no choice, we have a TP emergency here,” said Janine McDowell, head of approval for the FDA’s Controversial New Systems division.

“We understand that panic buying has left tens of millions of Americans without satisfactory supplies of toilet paper at home and at businesses which are still open because too many selfish people bought way more supply than they’ll use in 100 years,” McDowell continued. “What’s really odd is that the virus doesn’t give you the runs.”

Asked to explain how the home decontamination systems worked, she noted that it is a tedious, labor-intensive process that requires a lot of patience and a high tolerance for foul odor.

“The kit basically allows you to semi-clean small sections of used TP at a time, then flattens the sections for re-rolling,” she said. “It’s not the best system in the world but it’s all we’ve got at the moment and we understand that people are hurting. So we’re getting them approved and out to the people.”

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