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Texas governor declares day of mourning after truckload of toilet paper burns alongside road

AUSTIN — Gov. Greg Abbott ordered state flags flown at half-mast and all residents to observe a day of mourning after a semi-trailer full of much-needed toilet paper crashed and burned alongside a highway.

“This is a sad day in the Lone Star State,” Abbott said during a somber ceremony at the Capitol Building. “I ask all Texans to put aside whatever differences they may have and come together as one.

“Today, there are no Democrats or Republicans. No liberals or conservatives. We all needed that TP. We all wipe pretty much the same. Our doo-doo all looks and smells the same. And we are equally sorrowful.”

Abbott, who remarked he is glad the driver wasn’t hurt, added that he’s confident “Texans will survive” because of the state’s culture of rugged individuality. But he nevertheless conceded that the toilet paper situation is dire, thanks to all of the virus-related panic buying.

“I truly do not know how we will replace what we’ve lost,” he said. “It reminds me a lot of the Alamo. How do you replace that kind of sacrifice?

“I have already sent the Texas Rangers into neighboring states on a mission to secure more TP for our beleaguered people,” Abbott continued. “I don’t know if they’ll be successful, but we’ve just got to hold out a little longer. We’ll just have to wipe a little less in the meantime.”

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