Trump administration deems makers of sex toys ‘essential businesses’ during mandatory virus self-isolation

WASHINGTON — The Department of Health and Human Services has deemed manufacturers of sex toys an “essential business” because officials say they will be vital to mental stability during long periods of virus-related self-isolation.

“We took a long, hard look at this and have decided it is exactly the right thing to do,” Alex Azar, director of HHS, told reporters during a conference call Friday. “We’ve been inundated with requests from many industries and businesses to be deemed ‘essential’ during this health and economic emergency, and clearly, we can’t do that for all of them.

“But deeming sex toy manufacturers essential just makes good sense, and we also believe it is good public policy,” Azar continued. “It’s quite possible that due to the virus, people will have to remain cooped up for several more weeks, maybe even a few more months.

“That’s a long time to, um, you know, ‘go without,'” the HHS secretary said. “When you look at it that way, there are fewer things other than food and oxygen that many people would consider ‘essential.’ I mean, in addition to stopping the spread of the virus, we’re trying to maintain order and discipline among the population as well. No one wants chaos.”

Asked if the government would provide delivery resources and financial aid to the industry, Azar responded, “Absolutely.”

“That’s really the only effective way to ensure this policy works,” he said.

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