National Guard in DC told to sign everything over to spouses because they’re never going home

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Thousands of National Guard troops who were told there were only going to be deployed temporarily to the nation’s capital to protect President Biden’s inauguration are now being instructed to relinquish all of their belongings and bank accounts to their spouses after being told they’re never going to be let go.

“Yeah, the order, it just came down today,” one sergeant from Maryland, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said. “It kinda came out of nowhere. I don’t know what we’re supposed to do now about our marriages. And jobs. And kids.”

“Not really sure how to react,” said another troop, again on condition of anonymity. “Can they really do this? Didn’t sign up for never-ending deployment to Washington, D.C.”

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi told reporters that details of the operation are classified, but that Guard troops who have now been permanently sequestered should be thankful.

“They are helping secure their nation’s capital from legions of nasty white supremacists who want to invade and take over the government,” Pelosi said. “There is no higher honor than defending against that. No deployment overseas to a war zone comes close.”

Pentagon officials were mute on most details as well, but did say that troops now permanently deployed will be give guidance on how to safely and securely sign over their possessions and bank accounts to spouses, loved ones, or really good friends.

“The process really isn’t that complicated,” Army Maj. Lynn Johnson, Pentagon spokeswoman, said.

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