(WASHINGTON) President Biden has assured all Americans that they can have full trust in the results of the 2024 election “if I win.”
“Here’s the deal, guys. All these polls showing my opponent, Donald Trump, well ahead of me in battleground states can’t be right. There’s just no way,” Biden claimed during a press conference before his noon nap. “I’ve brought this country back from the brink of complete destruction. We all know that. Bidenomics is the best thing to happen to America since sliced bread. And by the way, the inventor of sliced bread consulted me on that — used my idea.
“Anyway, Trump’s vision for our country is not something most people want. Sure, they made more money during his term, we lived in a safer world, inflation was next to nothing, and yeah, I’ve kinda messed things up on the border. But c’mon man! Trump will take us back to the Stone Age! Put us all back in chains!” Biden rambled.
“So just know this — you can only trust this year’s election results if I win. A Trump victory wouldn’t be real, and no, I won’t honor it,” he intoned, raising the eyebrows of aides.
Before he could continue, White House press secretary Karine Jean-Pierre moved up to the podium and whispered something in the president’s ear. Biden responded by turning away from the podium but forgetting which way to go to leave the room.
