(AUBURN, Kan.) Former Vice President Mike Pence is leaving politics altogether after figuring out that neither Republicans nor Democrats want him, saying he’ll become a grass farmer in Kansas now.
“Well, politics was fun, but it’s on to a new career now,” Pence said as he prepared to embark on his first non-political job since that paper route he had back in the day. “My life now will be dedicated to making peoples’ lawns look really nice.
“I’ve never really talked about it much before — well, except with my wife — but I’ve been wanting to do this for quite some time,” Pence continued. “We had a pretty crappy lawn when I was growing up because my parents didn’t have a lot of time to put into one, and I was always away at debate school or something like that.
“So it’s kind of a dream come true for me. And I look at it this way — Donald Trump closed the door on me, as did the entire Republican and Democratic Parties, but now a new one has opened in a big, wide, green field in the middle of Kansas. Who would have thought this just three short years ago when I refused to do my duty for my president?” Pence reminisced.
“Well, can’t talk any more, gotta go get the evening watering done and it takes a while to roll this long hose back up,” he said, as he hopped in his John Deere four-wheeler.
