(Seneca, Ore.) Tired of being arrested for trespassing on private land, environmentalists with the Sierra Club are now teaching trees to spew vile language at lumberjacks to discourage them from cutting.
“Yeah, we had a lot of people arrested last year, and some of them are now doing a lot of time in lock-up, so we knew we had to develop a different strategy if we wanted to keep recruiting far-left progressives to disrupt one of the country’s most important industries,” Cal Newsom, 29, a field supervisor for the group, said.
“We got the idea from one of our people who spent a lot of time in the field. One day, he says he was just talking to a tree and the thing talked back to him. This face comes out and they start having this conversation,” Newsom continued. “Next thing you know, our field guy drew up a guide and we began teaching trees how to sort of, you know, defend themselves.”
Asked if the technique was effective at warding off lumberjacks, Newsom became a bit pensive.
“Well, not all of the time, obviously. Lumberjacks are pretty tough and they like to trash talk too, so sometimes the trees get discouraged and are resigned to their fate. But every now and then, one tree will be particularly abrasive and nasty and the lumberjack will pick on a different one,” he said. “So that’s a win for us.”
