SCRANTON, Pa. — Joe Biden announced a day after Tuesday’s primaries from a rest home in the town where he grew up he was extremely grateful for all the people who voted for him to become the next King of Persia nominee.
“Four score and seven weeks ago our…guys…came to…Scranton…oh, you know the rest of it!” Biden stammered as he sipped on a glass of Metamucil.
“Anyway, just wanted to say thanks to all you dog-faced pony soldiers out there who voted for me,” Biden continued. “I always knew I’d beat ol’ what’s-his-name anyway, but you know, you gotta have these election things.
“I’ve always want to be the King of Persia and now I think we’ve got a real shot at it,” he said. “It won’t be easy, like making goals in baseball or touchdowns in basketball, but we’re going to race forward like a turtle and go for the gusto.”
Biden said as king, the first thing he did is put on his crown. “Then, after that, it’s a crap shoot, man,” he added.
When asked about defeating President Trump, Biden corrected the reporter sternly.
“You’re full of s**t, man! We don’t have presidents!” Biden screeched.