Author: Frank B

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a move that has baffled engineers, commuters, and physics teachers alike, former President Donald Trump announced Thursday that escalators will be banned across the United States, citing concerns that “they’re just too fancy, folks, too fancy—and frankly, very un-American.” “Stairs built this country!” Trump proclaimed at a rally in Mar-a-Lago, pacing energetically on a temporary staircase. “Abraham Lincoln took stairs. George Washington took stairs. And I—your favorite president—took stairs all the time. Escalators? Never trusted them. They’re sneaky, very sneaky.” The proposed ban, which would require all shopping malls, airports, and metro stations to remove or disable escalators…

“We’ve always known our customers love free two-day shipping.”

NEW YORK—In a move shaking both Hollywood and Brooklyn yoga studios to their core, the International Council of Aesthetics announced Thursday that Ella Emhoff, stepdaughter of Vice President Kamala Harris, has officially surpassed actress Sydney Sweeney as the world’s reigning standard of beauty. “Traditional metrics of beauty—symmetry, glow, jawlines—are outdated,” said ICA chair Renata Villeneuve. “We now evaluate attractiveness based on bold eyebrow geometry, quirky eyewear, and the confidence to flaunt hairy armpits at fashion week. By that measure, Ms. Emhoff is clearly the apex of human allure.” The ruling has left fans of Sydney Sweeney reeling. “Wait, you’re telling…

LOS ANGELES—In an emotional monologue that stunned late-night audiences Tuesday, Jimmy Kimmel publicly apologized for what he described as “two solid decades of deeply mediocre comedy,” admitting that his body of work “should’ve been illegal under the Geneva Conventions.” “I need to be honest with you,” Kimmel told viewers, his voice breaking as a montage of his old monologues played in the background. “From 2003 onward, I delivered joke after joke that was, at best, a dad pun and, at worst, a war crime against humor. I laughed at them anyway, because nobody else would. For that, I am truly…

CHAPPAQUA, NY—Declaring that she is “tired of the division” and wants to “see humanity come together in harmony,” former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton held a press conference Thursday calling for universal peace, before clarifying, “well, for everyone except Republicans, of course.” “Peace is the noblest goal humanity can strive for,” Clinton told reporters, pausing briefly to sip from a glass of Chardonnay. “I envision a future where children can grow up without fear, communities can prosper without violence, and nations can resolve disputes without war—unless we’re talking about Republicans. They can continue living in a state of unending social,…

OSLO—In what the Nobel Committee described as a “bold and innovative interpretation of nonviolence,” militant left-wing collective Antifa was awarded the 2025 Nobel Peace Prize Friday for its tireless efforts to defend democracy by setting dumpsters ablaze and knocking MAGA hats off of middle-aged accountants. “Where Gandhi brought peace through hunger strikes, Antifa brought peace through bicycle chains and Molotov cocktails,” Nobel chair Ingrid Lyngstad announced in Oslo, praising the group for “challenging the traditional notion that peace requires less fire.” The award marks the first time the Peace Prize has gone to an organization without a physical headquarters, a…

KANSAS CITY, MO — In what sources describe as “both heartbreaking and incredibly lucrative,” Taylor Swift is reportedly in the studio penning a new breakup ballad about boyfriend Travis Kelce, inspired by the Kansas City Chiefs’ devastating loss to the Philadelphia Eagles. Swift insiders say the working title of the track is “Dropped Passes, Dropped Heart.” Early leaked lyrics allegedly include: “You fumbled the game, you fumbled my trust / When the fourth quarter ended, so did us.” Concert promoters are already salivating. “This is going to be her biggest hit since ‘All Too Well (10 Minute Version),’” said one…

In a twist that shocked both the legal and furniture worlds, former FBI Director James Comey was indicted Thursday on charges of “Grand Theft Ergonomic.” Federal prosecutors allege Comey masterminded a multi-year scheme to sneak into government buildings and quietly roll away with office chairs. The indictment claims Comey, a towering 6’8”, used his height as cover. “Witnesses assumed he was just carrying the chair back to his desk,” said one investigator. “In reality, he was wheeling them into an unmarked van labeled *‘Chair Repair Services.’*” Authorities estimate he collected more than 147 chairs, ranging from basic swivel seats to…

“You’re complicit!” to which Harris responded, “Actually, I’m complicated — it’s different.”

(WASHINGTON, D.C.) Vice President Kamala Harris dropped in the Senate to preside over its proceedings on Monday because she doesn’t have anything else to do. “I’ve got to try and make myself useful because, after all, I’m still getting a taxpayer-paid salary,” the Veep told reporters as she made her way to the chamber where she once served. “I would like to have more to do, but I didn’t feel like waking the president up at noon to assign me something,” she confessed. Asked about her roles in handling the border crisis and being named to head up the National…

“There are much middlemen to pay off, too.”

“Look, these are often very complex documents, they contain a lot of details.”

“Our findings were conclusive.”

“I farmed for decades before finally hanging up my spurs.”

“I worked very hard on this.”

“Okay, everyone, let’s hear it for our widdle commander-in-chief, Joey!”

“Kimmel’s definitely not a hit among the homeless.”