Author: Frank B

NEW YORK— The Florida Marlins beat the New York Mets 4-0, ending the Mets chance of making the postseason. Citi Field announced that it would immediately convert its entire stadium into a temporary Spirit Halloween store, following the Miami Marlins’ stunning victory that officially ended the New York Mets’ playoff hopes. “We looked around at the empty seats, the abandoned hot dog stands, and the sad echoes of ‘Take Me Out to the Ball Game,’ and thought, why not?” said Mets owner Steve Cohen, who confirmed that the decision was made after realizing that the team’s postseason prospects were “scarier…

SEATTLE — Starbucks announced it will close hundreds of locations nationwide after admitting that, contrary to branding claims, people simply don’t enjoy “shitwater” espresso anymore. “Turns out, people don’t actually want a $7 cup of watery, bitter coffee with three pumps of pumpkin spice and a sad spritz of oat milk,” said CEO, holding a venti-sized iced disappointment. “Who knew?” Industry analysts report that Starbucks’ core demographic — students, influencers, and office workers pretending to be busy — have all migrated to either locally roasted beans or instant coffee from the grocery store. “Even the name ‘shitwater’ was getting too…

NEW YORK — In a stunning turn of events, Mayor Eric Adams announced he is withdrawing from the 2025 mayoral race after “finally listening to a couple of Bernie bros explain socialism at a coffee shop.” “I always thought socialism meant waiting in line for bread,” Adams told reporters, sipping an oat-milk latte he admitted was paid for by someone else. “But then these guys with Che Guevara tote bags told me it actually means free rent, free health care, and never having to explain where all the police overtime money went. Honestly, that sounds fantastic.” According to aides, Adams…

LOS ANGELES — After a rough week of low-rated monologues, comedian Kathy Griffin reassured late-night host Jimmy Kimmel that failing to make people laugh is “a perfectly valid career path,” citing her own decades of experience as proof. “Jimmy, sweetie, don’t stress about the jokes not landing,” Griffin said while patting Kimmel’s hand backstage. “I’ve been bombing for 30 years straight and look at me — still here, still redheaded, still pretending to be relevant. Not being funny is the new funny.” According to witnesses, Griffin presented Kimmel with a laminated “It’s OK To Suck” certificate, which she claimed was…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented move, former President Donald Trump announced Friday that he was personally shutting down the federal government “a little early” so he could enjoy “a beautiful weekend of golf and Diet Coke.” “Normally, shutdowns happen after a big fight in Congress, but I said, why wait?” Trump explained while standing next to a golf cart already stocked with 12-packs of soda. “We’re saving time. The government was going to close anyway, so I closed it sooner — very efficient, very businesslike. Probably the most efficient shutdown in history.” Reporters noted that Trump signed the “closure…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Emerging from a tense, hours-long meeting with congressional leaders over a looming government shutdown, former President Donald Trump declared that the entire discussion “was a total waste of time and absolutely could’ve been an email.” “It was a bad meeting. Very boring. Nobody had snacks, nobody had Diet Coke, and all they did was talk about numbers, numbers, numbers,” Trump said, waving his hands as if shooing away a flock of pigeons. “I’ve seen longer lines at McDonald’s that accomplished more.” According to aides, Trump became increasingly restless during the session, doodling “TRUMP TOWER: WHITE HOUSE EDITION”…

NEW YORK, NY — Manhattan District Attorney Alvin Bragg shocked the legal community today by announcing a sweeping new reform: assault will no longer be considered a crime in New York City. “In this office, we believe in second chances… and third, and fourth, and basically unlimited,” Bragg said at a press conference, standing in front of a banner reading Justice Without Jail. “Punching someone in the face should be treated the same as jaywalking: technically frowned upon, but mostly ignored unless it’s really annoying.” Under the new guidelines, aggravated assault will be downgraded to a “community engagement event,” and…

Political analysts are calling this “the weirdest plot twist since Ted Cruz tried stand-up comedy,” as Antifa announced today that it will be officially merging with U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE). “Look, we can’t be the only masked people roaming around Portland,” explained self-identified Antifa regional commander “Crowbar Kyle,” while sipping an oat milk latte at a press conference. “If we don’t regulate who comes onto our turf, then suddenly you’ve got outsiders setting up drum circles without permits. That’s chaos, and chaos is our brand.” ICE officials admitted they were initially hesitant about the partnership. “We usually don’t…

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A heated controversy erupted this week after Democrats unveiled a new budget proposal that, according to Republicans, features “historic levels of reverse racism” by allocating zero dollars in funding for the American public. “This is a direct attack on hardworking Americans,” said Donald Trump. “When Democrats refuse to spend taxpayer money on the very people who paid those taxes, that’s not just fiscal irresponsibility — it’s anti-American bigotry. This is reverse racism, plain and simple.” The budget proposal, which dedicates funding exclusively to “miscellaneous global initiatives, study grants for endangered snails, and a $400 million line item…

SEATTLE, WA — In a bold legal maneuver that has left both employees and customers foaming at the mouth, Starbucks announced this week that it is suing several of its own baristas for “unauthorized use of company attire,” alleging that the green aprons and khaki combos constitute “intellectual property” reserved strictly for corporate-approved photo ops. In otherwords, the employees didn’t have permission to wear the uniform. “It’s like they didn’t even ask first,” said one Starbucks higher-upper. “These employees are acting as if they can just wear the brand without paying royalties,” said Starbucks’ Chief Legal Counsel, Meredith Sparks. “Every…

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Firefighters rushed to Jimmy Kimmel’s residence Thursday night after the late-night host’s television ratings became so scorching that they spontaneously combusted, sparking a brush fire in the hills outside his Los Angeles home. Authorities confirmed that the blaze originated from Nielsen reports showing Kimmel’s show had experienced a 0.7% ratings bump — a figure so unthinkably “hot” for late-night television that the papers immediately burst into flames. “We’ve dealt with wildfires, power line sparks, even gender reveal parties,” said L.A. Fire Captain Luis Ramirez. “But never in my career have I seen a fire caused by slightly…

NEW YORK— Experts are calling this both “predictable” and “hilariously on brand,” as Rockstar Games announced that the long-awaited release of Grand Theft Auto 6 has been delayed indefinitely after the development team accidentally spent the last few years replaying GTA 5. “We sat down in 2021 to start coding GTA 6, but someone suggested we should ‘just load up GTA Online for inspiration,’” said lead developer Marcus Connolly. “Next thing we knew, we were robbing digital casinos, running nightclub empires, and customizing jetpacks. Honestly, we forgot why we were even in the office.” The developers admitted that they had…

At a sunlit Delaware ice cream parlor, President Joe Biden, sporting aviators and a double-scoop cone, announced his endorsement of “Biden’s C’mon Man Life Alert,” a quirky spin on the senior safety device. “Folks, look, here’s the deal,” Biden began, pausing to lick chocolate ripple. “I’m 82, sharp as a tack, but sometimes you trip—y’know, like on Air Force One stairs. This button? It’s a lifesaver, no malarkey!” The event, attended by a small crowd of retirees and a bemused Secret Service detail, featured a cardboard Biden waving a Life Alert pendant like a campaign sign. “This ain’t your grandpa’s…

A shocking development is sure to puzzle both anthropologists and conspiracy theorists, as unconfirmed reports suggest disgraced financier Jeffrey Epstein has been spotted “chilling out” on North Sentinel Island, hiding with the famously isolated Sentinelese tribe. Eyewitnesses (which, considering the tribe’s history of firing arrows at drones, are mostly just very nervous helicopter pilots) claim they saw a balding man in aviator sunglasses attempting to blend in by smearing coconut oil across his chest and muttering about “exclusive island memberships.” “He said something about finally finding a community that doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the U.S.,” said one source.…

IRELAND —In a discovery that has left climatologists simultaneously horrified and slightly bewildered, scientists announced Monday that Rosie O’Donnell’s personal emissions are now contributing measurably to climate change. “After extensive testing, we’ve confirmed that Ms. O’Donnell produces enough flatulence in a single day to influence local weather patterns,” said Dr. Karen Winters of the National Atmospheric Research Institute. “It’s not catastrophic… yet. But the trend is concerning.” According to reports, O’Donnell’s notorious digestive system emits gases at a frequency and volume that could, if unmitigated, increase global temperatures by 0.0001 degrees per week. While seemingly negligible, researchers warned that the…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what observers are calling “the most surreal educational moment in modern political history,” Congresswoman Jasmine Crockett shocked reporters Tuesday by inventing an entirely new alphabet while attempting to recite the traditional ABCs. The event began as a routine literacy press conference but quickly spiraled into chaos when Crockett paused after “G” and announced, “Wait… we’re missing some letters. Let’s make some new ones!” She then proceeded to improvise five entirely original letters, including: “Ziggle”—pronounced like a sneezing giraffe “Florp”—used exclusively before vowels “Snark”—a letter that apparently expresses mild judgment “Quibble”—which can replace any consonant at will “Blorp”—reserved for…

MAR-A-LAGO, FL—In a move that White House aides described as “deeply symbolic and deeply sandy,” former President Donald Trump reportedly spent all of Tuesday on a Florida beach meticulously arranging seashells to spell out the letters FAFO, an acronym he refused to fully explain but insisted “everyone knows what it means.” Eyewitnesses report that Trump arrived at sunrise with a gold-plated bucket, a designer sunhat, and a small entourage of staffers instructed to “stand back and admire the genius.” Over the course of eight hours, he carefully positioned hundreds of shells in perfect, Trumpian precision, pausing only to tweet about…

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In what officials are calling “a bold tactical maneuver and a logistical nightmare,” a growing number of undocumented immigrants have reportedly begun entering the United States backwards, creating the optical illusion that they are leaving the country. Border Patrol agents first noticed the phenomenon near El Paso last week, when a group of immigrants appeared to be walking south—only to realize they were moving north while facing south. “At first we thought our eyes were playing tricks on us,” said Agent Bob Jenkins. “Then we realized… they were actually entering, but very sneakily.” The strategy, according to anonymous sources,…

PHILADELPHIA—In what political insiders are calling “a masterclass in self-love and optimism,” Vice President Kamala Harris kicked off her latest book tour in Philadelphia Monday, only to discover that her sole attendee was, in fact, herself. Clutching a copy of her own memoir, Harris reportedly spent 45 minutes passionately applauding, nodding, and whispering encouraging affirmations to herself. “You’re doing amazing, Kamala,” she reportedly said during a particularly moving passage about resilience. “Nobody else may be here, but your energy fills this room.” Event organizers were initially optimistic about turnout, citing early RSVPs from “an anonymous supporter” and “one very enthusiastic…

LONDON—In a stunning display of national consensus, Britain on Wednesday officially rejected Labour leader Kier Starmer, labeling him a “dangerous communist” despite his repeated insistence that he merely enjoys slightly heavier taxation and occasional union meetings. “Look, we love tea. We love queuing. We even love complaining about the weather. But we do not love communism,” Prime Minister Rishi Sunak said during a press briefing, sipping Earl Grey with the kind of gravitas only centuries of polite British disapproval can confer. “Starmer is threatening everything from our bacon sandwiches to our slightly awkward relationship with Europe.” The term “communist” has…

NEW YORK—In a move that shocked literally everyone except maybe Kanye West, Donald Trump announced Monday that he had purchased TikTok and would now be running the platform “like nobody has ever run a social media app before, believe me.” Alongside the acquisition, Trump also revealed his new preferred pronouns: “Me/Bigly.” “I’m the best at pronouns, everybody says so,” Trump told reporters in his gold-trimmed office. “Some people say I should have gone with ‘The Donald/The Tremendous,’ but Me/Bigly is classy, strong, and very, very winning.” The announcement came just hours after a leaked TikTok strategy memo showed plans to…