U.S. Space Force’s first rocket launch delayed due to shortage of giant anti-viral wipes
CAPE CANAVERAL — U.S. Space Force leaders announced today that they are going to delay the service’s first rocket launch due to a shortage…
Strange lights over New Jersey identified as lost souls escaping New Jersey
HOBOKEN — Homeland Security officials said today that tens of thousands of lights that lit up the sky over New Jersey last night have…
Congress votes to appropriate every dollar on the planet to fight outbreak
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Lawmakers on Capitol Hill have voted to vacuum up every single dollar on the planet in order to fight the coronavirus.…
Study finds Americans willing to become fat slobs at home indefinitely but only if Congress feeds, clothes them
MISSOULA — A University of Montana study has concluded that most Americans are willing to allow Congress to feed and clothe them for the…
Greta Thunberg surprised she contracted coronavirus since most people go out of their way to avoid her
STOCKHOLM — Climate activist Greta Thunberg said she’s surprised she may have contracted coronavirus after discovering most people didn’t really like her and have…
‘Banjo picking’ deemed an essential task in West Virginia
CHARLESTON — As states shut down businesses and activities in response to the virus outbreak, lawmakers in West Virginia moved to protect a historical…
Americans turning to dog groomers as hair stylists shut their doors during crisis
HOBOKEN, N.J. — When Tommy Tinsworthy wanted to get his hair cut this week he discovered that his normal stylist had closed her doors…
Baby born in Walmart toilet paper aisle immediately goes missing amid crush of panic buying
SPRINGFIELD, MO. — A woman who had her baby in a busy Walmart toilet paper aisle this week was distraught after the newborn was…
Hollywood stars vow to make more pointless videos to help fight coronavirus
LOS ANGELES — In another attempt to portray themselves as completely tone-deaf to the plight of ordinary Americans suffering job losses and other economic…
Trump orders wall built around Pelosi so she can no longer pretend to be president during coronavirus outbreak
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump signed an emergency order instructing the Army Corps of Engineers to build a wall around House Speaker Nancy Pelosi…
Tampa Bay Buccaneers to hire new assistant coach Will Welichik
TAMPA BAY — To assist veteran quarterback Tom Brady, who left the New England Patriots after 20 seasons, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are set…
NASA gives ‘all clear’ after ‘space traveler’ found passed out along Nevada road ID’ed as drunk guy from Bronx
USA — The Trump administration backed away from the brink of an interplanetary war after NASA announced that a “space traveler” Homeland Security agents…
Biden proposes giving every American coronavirus to stop the spread
WASHINGTON, D.C.– Likely 2020 Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden announced his plan to stop the spread of the coronavirus: Infect every American and the…
Company HR reps fielding more sexual harassment calls from wives whose husbands forced to work at home
U.S. — The head of a group of human resources professionals says now that more husbands are working at home thanks to the coronavirus,…
MSNBC fires host for praising Trump, claiming he broke ‘company policy’
NEW YORK — Angry over his sparse praise of President Trump, MSNBC brass revealed today that was the real reason they got rid of…