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Politics

Joe Biden tells viewers during daily briefing that he turned 46 before he turned 45

VERMONT — During his daily coronavirus briefing, presumptive 2020 Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden said that he defied the normative aging process by turning…

Posted on March 26, 2020
by Editorial Staff
Health

People with disgusting body odor find it much easier to maintain social distancing: Study

MOSCOW, ID. — Researchers at the University of Idaho have discovered that for Americans with nasty body odor, it is much easier for them…

Posted on March 26, 2020
by Editorial Staff
Military

U.S. Space Force’s first rocket launch delayed due to shortage of giant anti-viral wipes

CAPE CANAVERAL — U.S. Space Force leaders announced today that they are going to delay the service’s first rocket launch due to a shortage…

Posted on March 26, 2020
by Editorial Staff
US News

Strange lights over New Jersey identified as lost souls escaping New Jersey

HOBOKEN — Homeland Security officials said today that tens of thousands of lights that lit up the sky over New Jersey last night have…

Posted on March 25, 2020
by Editorial Staff
Congress

Congress votes to appropriate every dollar on the planet to fight outbreak

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Lawmakers on Capitol Hill have voted to vacuum up every single dollar on the planet in order to fight the coronavirus.…

Posted on March 25, 2020
by Editorial Staff
Science

Study finds Americans willing to become fat slobs at home indefinitely but only if Congress feeds, clothes them

MISSOULA — A University of Montana study has concluded that most Americans are willing to allow Congress to feed and clothe them for the…

Posted on March 24, 2020March 25, 2020
by Editorial Staff
World

Greta Thunberg surprised she contracted coronavirus since most people go out of their way to avoid her

STOCKHOLM — Climate activist Greta Thunberg said she’s surprised she may have contracted coronavirus after discovering most people didn’t really like her and have…

Posted on March 24, 2020March 24, 2020
by Editorial Staff
US News

‘Banjo picking’ deemed an essential task in West Virginia

CHARLESTON — As states shut down businesses and activities in response to the virus outbreak, lawmakers in West Virginia moved to protect a historical…

Posted on March 24, 2020
by Editorial Staff
Culture

Americans turning to dog groomers as hair stylists shut their doors during crisis

HOBOKEN, N.J. — When Tommy Tinsworthy wanted to get his hair cut this week he discovered that his normal stylist had closed her doors…

Posted on March 23, 2020March 23, 2020
by Editorial Staff
US News

Baby born in Walmart toilet paper aisle immediately goes missing amid crush of panic buying

SPRINGFIELD, MO. — A woman who had her baby in a busy Walmart toilet paper aisle this week was distraught after the newborn was…

Posted on March 23, 2020
by Editorial Staff
Entertainment

Hollywood stars vow to make more pointless videos to help fight coronavirus

LOS ANGELES — In another attempt to portray themselves as completely tone-deaf to the plight of ordinary Americans suffering job losses and other economic…

Posted on March 23, 2020March 23, 2020
by Editorial Staff
Politics

Trump orders wall built around Pelosi so she can no longer pretend to be president during coronavirus outbreak

WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump signed an emergency order instructing the Army Corps of Engineers to build a wall around House Speaker Nancy Pelosi…

Posted on March 22, 2020
by Editorial Staff
Sports

Tampa Bay Buccaneers to hire new assistant coach Will Welichik

TAMPA BAY — To assist veteran quarterback Tom Brady, who left the New England Patriots after 20 seasons, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are set…

Posted on March 21, 2020
by Editorial Staff
US News

NASA gives ‘all clear’ after ‘space traveler’ found passed out along Nevada road ID’ed as drunk guy from Bronx

USA — The Trump administration backed away from the brink of an interplanetary war after NASA announced that a “space traveler” Homeland Security agents…

Posted on March 20, 2020
by Editorial Staff
Politics

Biden proposes giving every American coronavirus to stop the spread

WASHINGTON, D.C.– Likely 2020 Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden announced his plan to stop the spread of the coronavirus: Infect every American and the…

Posted on March 20, 2020
by Editorial Staff
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