Sometimes, ignorance is bliss.
Author: Sandra D
See? She does have a path to victory after all.
Nothing is off-limits, apparently.
Things didn’t quite work out like they thought.
The customer took it all in good stride, though.
White House now expects all critics to shut up about Biden’s age.
(LOS ANGELES) Pop princess Britney Spears surprised many of her male fans with an announcement on Wednesday noting that recent photos posted to her Instagram account showing her nearly nude were actually pics of a body double. “I just wanted to be honest and up front with fans, particularly the guys,” Spears, 40, said. “I’ve been working my tail off to stay looking fit and trim, but you know, that gets harder to do as we age and it’s no different with me.” Spears says she’s laying off the fast food and snacks as she prepares for a new post-pandemic…
(PALO ALTO, Calif.) Tesla CEO and billionaire mogul Elon Musk became the first person to successfully place a round peg into a square hole on Thursday. Musk, who said he’s been working on a geometric calculation using artificial intelligence and a supercomputer for months, noted that he finally uncovered the correct algorithm earlier this week ahead of scheduling a demonstration at a lab at his Tesla headquarters. “Really, this wasn’t as difficult as it seemed all along,” Musk told assembled reporters. “For eons, we’ve simply been looking at the problem from inside the box when outside the box thinking was…
LAKE OZARK, Mo. — University of St. Louis researcher Shauna Faulkner noted in a paper published on Wednesday that he managed to successfully miss an entire forest for the trees. “After spending nearly three weeks wandering through thickets and other heavily wooded areas, it became apparent to me that I was actually surrounded by a forest and I didn’t even know it,” Faulkner told reporters after publishing his study. The scientist went on to acknowledge that more research is needed to substantiate her findings. “It’s amazing — it’s a feeling I’ve never had before,” she added, going on to say…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Thousands of National Guard troops who were told there were only going to be deployed temporarily to the nation’s capital to protect President Biden’s inauguration are now being instructed to relinquish all of their belongings and bank accounts to their spouses after being told they’re never going to be let go. “Yeah, the order, it just came down today,” one sergeant from Maryland, who spoke on condition of anonymity, said. “It kinda came out of nowhere. I don’t know what we’re supposed to do now about our marriages. And jobs. And kids.” “Not really sure how to…
MAR-A-LAGO — Former President Donald Trump, fresh off his well-received speech at CPAC, says he now believes he’s popular enough to take over all of politics and will be starting several new political parties with that objective in mind. “We have a beautiful movement, the best ever, the most popular ever, and it’s time to do this, it’s time,” Trump told reporters. “You know, at CPAC I called those previous reports that I was going to start a third party fake news because it was,” Trump continued. “The fake news media, they never learn. “Actually, I’m starting a third, fourth,…
FORSYTH — After days of speculation about his health, North Korean dictator Kim Jong-un has been discovered working at a rural Montana convenience store with rock-and-roll legend Elvis Pressly. Store owner Maggie Dalton says the leader of the secretive Asian country just showed up a few days ago looking for a job, where Elvis has been employed as chief clerk for years. “I know the rumors are that he had some heart surgery trouble but that was just a cover story,” Dalton said. “When you’re the leader of a nasty little place like that and always in the spotlight, you…
NEW YORK — Major League Baseball officials have decided all teams will play the entire 2020 season under the protection of a sealed glass dome in the middle of Wyoming. “We’ve thought long and hard about how to both protect our players from this outbreak and ensure the fans get to see professional baseball this year,” said MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred. “There won’t be anyone in the stadium but the players, but you know, sometimes fans can get rowdy anyway. “Will it be a challenge — logistically and otherwise — to move all 30 teams to the middle of nowhere…
BANGOR, MAINE — As more kids are schooled at home during the virus pandemic, parent-teacher conferences have devolved into fights over laundry, cleaning, and taking out the dog, among other common household chores. “He doesn’t do a danged thing around here to help me out,” Joanie Simmons said as she fumed at her husband, Jonathan, who is working from home. “I know he’s got a job and all that, but this is his house and these are his kids too. All I want is a little help, that’s it. Is that too much to ask?” Jonathan Simmons said that homeschooling…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Unaware that cameras were still rolling during an Oval Office meeting, Mitt Romney inadvertently revealed himself to be Hillary Clinton, an act that was caught on video. “Well, I guess I didn’t really think that I could keep it a secret forever,” Clinton said as she was inundated with reporters after the accidental reveal. “There is no keeping a secret in this town, is there? “Then again,” the former first lady continued, “I’m surprised my constant badgering of Trump and opposition to everything he says or proposes didn’t give me away. I mean, I was supposed to…
WASHINGTON — The Department of Health and Human Services has deemed manufacturers of sex toys an “essential business” because officials say they will be vital to mental stability during long periods of virus-related self-isolation. “We took a long, hard look at this and have decided it is exactly the right thing to do,” Alex Azar, director of HHS, told reporters during a conference call Friday. “We’ve been inundated with requests from many industries and businesses to be deemed ‘essential’ during this health and economic emergency, and clearly, we can’t do that for all of them. “But deeming sex toy manufacturers…
VERMILLION — A new study from the University of South Dakota finds that once governors and mayors forbid people from going to businesses, it’s far more likely those businesses will fail. “We ran the data through the model several times after making appropriate adjustments — best-case, worst-case, and so forth, and each time the results were the same — more failures,” Dr. Elizabeth Corbin said. “It’s uncanny. It’s almost a near-certainty that government actions aimed at forbidding people to spend money at businesses so that their owners can make a living results in failure of that business. “We operated off…
AUSTIN — Gov. Greg Abbott ordered state flags flown at half-mast and all residents to observe a day of mourning after a semi-trailer full of much-needed toilet paper crashed and burned alongside a highway. “This is a sad day in the Lone Star State,” Abbott said during a somber ceremony at the Capitol Building. “I ask all Texans to put aside whatever differences they may have and come together as one. “Today, there are no Democrats or Republicans. No liberals or conservatives. We all needed that TP. We all wipe pretty much the same. Our doo-doo all looks and smells…
NEW YORK CITY — As virus-related business closures spread in the Big Apple, city officials wanted to give taxpayers a heads-up regarding next year’s budget by bathing the Empire State Building in red. “I think it’s the most transparent thing we could do right now,” Mayor Bill de Blasio told reporters. “People right now are searching for answers and they don’t want to be lied to. New Yorkers are tough, they can handle anything. So we wanted to let them know early we’re likely going to be turning to them for, shall we say, a little more support next fiscal…
BOSTON — Researchers at the National Highway Institute have discovered that the reason why U.S. productivity has fallen so dramatically in recent years is that there are now too many roundabouts in cities. The scientists noted in a new study that such an incredible number of the circular traffic flow enhancers have been constructed that virtually no one can get anywhere quickly. In fact, notes Dr. Lars Smith, many Americans simply can’t get anywhere anymore. “During our research, we actually discovered instances where Americans drove through so many roundabouts they became disoriented and lost their sense of direction,” Smith said.…
GENEVA — Officials with the World Bank announced that the dramatic decline in economic activity seen in the first quarter of 2020 is “likely” the result of people simply making less money. “It’s true, people aren’t earning as much this quarter as they were last quarter,” Lars Grunwald, CEO of the global financial institution, said. “We’re fairly certain that is the reason for the overall decline in the global economy,” he added. “We haven’t yet obtained all the data yet, but that’s the way it’s looking. https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); “During normal economic times, you know, people earn…