WASHINGTON — As the country reels from toilet paper shortages thanks to irrational panic buying during the virus outbreak, the FDA has cut through reams of red tape to approve a new conservation process. Officials said the controversial new system will permit the manufacture of at-home kits that will enable consumers to decontaminate and at least partially restore used toilet paper. “It’s not the best system and it really does require more testing, but we have no choice, we have a TP emergency here,” said Janine McDowell, head of approval for the FDA’s Controversial New Systems division. https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js (adsbygoogle =…
Author: Sandra D
BROADUS — U.S. Border Patrol officials said they were stunned to discover that a group of Mexican cartel members attempting to elude capture seriously miscalculated and dug a tunnel spanning several states. “It looks to me like these guys made a wrong turn,” Thad Crocker, a USBP sector chief, said. “I mean, in the past, they’ve been off by a couple hundred feet here or there, but to wind up in Montana, well, that’s a huge error. https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); “It could be they’re just overachievers, but I don’t know if that’s accurate,” Crocker continued. “If they…
MENDOCINO — A couple walking along a California beach this week found a profound message in a bottle warning people not to clog up the seascape’s ecosystems with bottles. “To whom it may concern: We are sending this message to the world from abroad. Stop throwing away bottles in the ocean, even if they carry a message of warning or of hope because all you’re doing is contributing to the problem of too many bottles in the ocean,” said the message, according to Tom and Sarah Walker. “I thought it was one of the most profound ironies I’ve ever experienced,”…
MOSCOW, ID. — Researchers at the University of Idaho have discovered that for Americans with nasty body odor, it is much easier for them to adhere to current social distancing rules. “For some Americans, social distancing rules put in place due to the virus outbreak are difficult to follow because they are just naturally affectionate and drawn to crowds,” said Dr. Anthony Sparkle, head of the university’s School of Human Physiology. https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); “But people with bad BO are social outcasts anyway, and as such, our research shows they have a much easier time maintaining social…
HOBOKEN — Homeland Security officials said today that tens of thousands of lights that lit up the sky over New Jersey last night have been identified as lost souls who say the state has simply become inhabitable even for them. “You know, a lost soul can only bear so much anguish and grief,” said one, who only identified himself as “Tim,” as he prepared to float away. “When I came here some years ago, there was just enough misery,” the emanating light continued. “For me, it was a lot like what some people might describe as heaven on earth. https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js…
MISSOULA — A University of Montana study has concluded that most Americans are willing to allow Congress to feed and clothe them for the foreseeable future. “Our study indicates that a vast majority of Americans are satisfied with staying at home and not working well into the future, but only in exchange for a free ride from the government,” Dr. Laurence Miles, professor of human nature who led the study, said. “We were a little surprised by the results,” he continued. “Generally speaking, Americans are a pretty independent lot. But when they find they can goof off most of the…
CHARLESTON — As states shut down businesses and activities in response to the virus outbreak, lawmakers in West Virginia moved to protect a historical pastime: Banjo pickin’. “There ain’t nothin’ better on a cool spring night than listenin’ to the sweet, sweet sounds of the finest musical instrument ever made,” said state Sen. Clem Rogers. “You just can’t get no better.” Other lawmakers agreed. “I defy anyone in this chamber, nay, this state, to tell me we can get by in this time of crisis without some danged ol’ banjo pickin’,” Assemblyman Lonnie Ross said on the floor of the…
HOBOKEN, N.J. — When Tommy Tinsworthy wanted to get his hair cut this week he discovered that his normal stylist had closed her doors to self-isolate during the virus crisis. But he wasn’t out of luck. He turned instead to his regular dog groomer, and when it was all said done, Tinsworthy was very happy with the change. “I think it looks great,” he said of his new ‘Poodle Doo,’ a style that he normally reserves for his pet canine FiFi. “I would’ve never done this if it hadn’t been for the national emergency, you know, so, thank goodness for…
TAMPA BAY — To assist veteran quarterback Tom Brady, who left the New England Patriots after 20 seasons, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are set to hire a new offensive coordinator, Will Wilichek. Believed to have last worked for a team in the AFC East, Wilichek nevertheless brings with him a stellar record. “Yeah, it’s an honor to be here,” Wilichek — a coach of few words — told us. “We’re on to Tampa Bay.” The hoodie-clad Wilichek indicated that he knows exactly what Brady needs in terms of an offensive scheme to make him as successful with his new team…
USA — The Trump administration backed away from the brink of an interplanetary war after NASA announced that a “space traveler” Homeland Security agents found babbling incoherently along a remote Nevada highway was drunk guy from The Bronx. “Look, it was an honest mistake,” Dr. John Waters, head of the space agency’s alien investigative division told reporters about the man they only identified a “Jimmy Sticks.” “He was muttering incoherently and seemed to be speaking a dialect we’d never heard before,” Waters continued. “He was pointing at our agents on the ground and saying things like ‘HeyYOUSE,’ and, ‘gimmedat-tingover-dere.’ It…
WASHINGTON — Democratic president contender Joe Biden said today he has named a young ‘tweener girl as his “running mate in waiting,” claiming he’ll need the extra companionship if he wins the White House. Biden did not release the name of the young lady’s name, but his campaign did hand out a photo of the ceremony showing him moving in for a close-up. “She’s a ball of fire, she’s really something,” a giddy Biden exclaimed. “She’s got so much energy and I’ll need that if I’m going to make a real go of this president thing. https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House is asking Americans to stop panic-buying of Q-tips, saying that outsized fears of an ear wax epidemic are overblown. “We’d like to just reassure all Americans that there are plenty of Q-tips to go around, that there is no reason to horde this product,” White House spokeswoman Stephanie Grisham said. “As anxious as a build-up of ear wax can make us, it’s not logical to rush the stores and buy up every Q-tip you can find. “The administration is aware that allergy season is approaching and as such there are additional concerns that an…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Sen. Bernie Sanders promised supporters he would remain in the race for the 2020 Democratic presidential nomination as long as it took to remind Joe Biden he still had a competitor. “I think that means I’m in it for the long haul,” Sanders said after his Sunday debate with Biden. “I mean, look, I like the guy. Served with him a long time in the Senate. But, uh, you know, how do I say it? Sometimes from debate to debate, he seems surprised that I’m still around. “I asked him before our latest debate, ‘You still know…
SILICON VALLEY, Calif. — A technology businessman has pulled the plug on a social media site he started for introverted people because he says he couldn’t pull them out of their shells long enough to join. Joss Heckler noted that the site, “IntroMax,” was designed as a tool to let the socially retarded have a means of interacting virtually with people rather than have to deal with them in the physical sense. “Man, I tell you, I just thought that this was perfect for those folks, you know? I guess I just didn’t realize that ‘social’ part was gonna be such…
GREENBELT, Md. — Deep space officials at NASA were shocked when a star probe the agency sent into a massive black hole 40 years ago suddenly showed up this week in Detroit. Frank Conners, chief of NASA’s Department of Black Holes, told reporters the agency lost track of the spacecraft years ago and never expected to see it again. “But you know, it was designed to ferret out black holes and reveal them to us, so it makes sense that it landed where it did,” he said. “Honestly though, we were expected it to come back through East St. Louis.…
NEW YORK — MSNBC has dismissed Pinocchio from his role as news fact-checker after his nose accidentally revealed the network’s chronic inability to get stories right. “There’s no way we could continue to try and operate as a legitimate news network with a fact-checker that gives away our bias so readily, so freely,” CEO Phil Griffin said. “We can’t keep up the appearance of a being fair and balanced with such an accurate BS detector on staff.” Asked about Pinocchio’s prior reputation for being unable to lie, Griffin said he and the other network executives were aware of it before…
CASCADE, ID — The townsfolk in this sleepy community awoke with sighs of relief after hearing that a Boise-based sportsman finally managed to catch a super-sized goldfish that had been terrorizing the town for years. Lester Holden, who’s won several sports fishing competitions, said he’s been hunting the “monster” for months, but even using the most modern technology, his prey proved elusive. “This here fish isn’t a normal critter, as you can plainly see,” Holden told reporters. “He’s not just big, he’s bigly elusive. Just when I thought I was gettin’ close to capturing him a time or two, he’d…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump announced today that he was suspending travel from Green Bay, Wis., to the rest of the country amid a growing and potentially highly contagious cheesehead outbreak. “This is for the good of the country, and certainly for the good of Green Bay residents, that I can tell you,” the president said in the Oval Office. “My administration is taking quick and decisive action to prevent this condition from spreading. We are dedicated to ensuring that the cheesehead outbreak doesn’t get past the city limits of Green Bay.” Asked about the seriousness of the threat, the…
NORFOLK, Neb. — A local resident says he managed to reduce his smoking by half after a surgeon removed one of his lungs, saying he’ll never again consume that much nicotine. “I tried lots of methods to cut down on my smoking and nicotine intake, but none of ’em worked,” Clarence Bottoms wheezed. “Chewed the gun, put the patches on, took the pills. Nothin’. “But when my doctor said I could dramatically reduce my smoking and nicotine intake with immediate results by taking out a lung, I jumped at that,” Bottoms continued. “It’s not everyday you get a second chance,…
COLUMBIA, Mo. — Researchers from the University of Missouri released a groundbreaking study this week indicating that men tend to accept ideas and suggestions much more often from women who are not wearing clothes. Dr. Richard Speel, head of the Male Studies department, said his team found “definite, substantial links” between male acceptance of ideas from women who are butt naked. “We found that the power of suggestion for non-clothed young females goes up by a factor of at least 10 when it comes to convincing young men,” Speel said. “It’s uncanny. It’s almost like naked women can literally get…
SCRANTON, Pa. — Joe Biden announced a day after Tuesday’s primaries from a rest home in the town where he grew up he was extremely grateful for all the people who voted for him to become the next King of Persia nominee. “Four score and seven weeks ago our…guys…came to…Scranton…oh, you know the rest of it!” Biden stammered as he sipped on a glass of Metamucil. “Anyway, just wanted to say thanks to all you dog-faced pony soldiers out there who voted for me,” Biden continued. “I always knew I’d beat ol’ what’s-his-name anyway, but you know, you gotta have…