NEW YORK — The head of MSNBC has announced that he will direct his network to begin broadcasting more content from Fox News so that he can boost viewership numbers. “Look, I’ve tried everything to get people to watch this damned network, and nothing I’ve done has worked,” said CEO Philip T. Griffin. “I’ve been operating under the impression that everyone hates America as much as we do, but I guess that isn’t the case.” Griffin acknowledged that MSNBC’s hosts and contributors seem to have — his words — “a hate-hate relationship” with ‘Merica, while admitting that Fox News’ hosts…
Author: Sandra D
TAMPA BAY, Fla. — The head coach of the NFL’s Tampa Bay Buccaneers said that he’s going to purchase tickets to Super Bowl LV (55) in the next few weeks because after seeing his team’s first off-season practice, it’s the only way they’re going to go to one. “Yeah, we’ve pretty much started the new season where we left off the last season, doing pretty poorly,” Coach Bruce Arians told sports reporters. “I know next year’s Super Bowl is going to be held in our city, in our stadium, but the only way we’ll be going is as spectators.” Arians…
TRENTON — Lawmakers in New Jersey have decided to ban smoking everywhere in the state, save for a small, enclosed, self-ventilating room at a rest stop along I-95. Gov. Phil Murphy said he realizes that there are a lot of smokers who live in New Jersey or pass through the state everyday, but he and lawmakers still believe they’re making every accommodation for the people still engaged in the habit. https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); “I mean, look, we could have just banned smoking altogether throughout the entire state,” Murphy was quoted as saying. “But we didn’t. We are…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Federal Communications Commission voted this week to ban reruns of the 1970s family sitcom “The Brady Bunch” as part of the agency’s efforts to “Make TV Great Again” in the Trump era. Noting that The Brady Bunch was never reflective of real life in America, FCC commission chief Ajit Pai said the ban is necessary “if we’re to bring some sort of credibility back to TV programming.” https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); “There is nothing about this program that is genuine, nothing that brings any real value to broadcasting,” Pai told reporters. “It’s simplistic. It’s…
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — The Harvard University graduating class of 2020 has made a universal pact that though they realize they’re far smarter that normal Americans and in a much better position to succeed, they will intentionally make mistakes at their new places of employment, just to fit in better. “I say, it’s going to be difficult to sort of underachieve intentionally,” noted Miles van Martin, the Class of 2020’s valedictorian. “When you’re so much more intellectually advanced than the ‘little people’ who are so far beneath you in terms of social status and whatnot, you really have to try to…
TOPEKA — The Kansas state legislature approved a plan to move entire mountains, dig valleys, and import several forests that will be installed along major interests to make driving through much more interesting for tourists. Understanding the state’s reputation as being a flat, featureless, uninspiring strip of never-ending farmland, lawmakers and the governor decided they needed to do something drastic or risk having tourists simply bypass Kansas altogether. https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); “This has been a dream of ours for years,” Gov. Laura Kelly told reporters. “Now mind you, this isn’t just going to be your ordinary, run-of-the-mill…
NEW YORK CITY — Rep. Alexander Ocasio-Cortez has introduced a bill that implementing mandatory term limits for any lawmaker who has received three or more botox treatments. Speaking to reporters, the fiery young congresswoman claimed that her legislation is long overdue because it has been obvious for decades that many lawmakers have served for way too long, and it shows. “Have you gotten a good look at House Speaker Nancy Pelosi lately?” she asked. “I mean, like, that stuff’s hideous. No offense to the Speaker, you know, but let’s face it, teeth or not, I’m a lot easier to look…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump is expanding his travel ban list again, adding the city of Dubuque, Iowa, after a local barber “butchered” his trademark coif. “Just look at this, will you? Just look at this,” the president said from the Oval Office as he prepared to sign the order. “Let me tell this much, I will never, ever go back to Dubuque again, I will assure you of that, and neither will any American as long as I’m president. “No one deserves to have their hair victimized like this, no one,” the president continued, clearly agitated. “You people in…
SALT LAKE CITY, Utah — Sen. Mitt Romney threw his hat, er, wig, into the ring for the 2020 presidential nomination, vowing to become the “first woman president” after colleague Elizabeth Warren dropped out. “You know, I hated to see my loyal friend and Bridge partner Liz Warren drop out because as a great leader, she certainly makes a good woman,” Romney told reporters. “But her loss, I guess, is my opportunity.” Romney said since the first two times running for president as a man didn’t work out so well, he thought he actually stood a better chance running as…
ST. CLOUD, Minn. — Officials at Rockland High School have implemented a new policy banning transgender males from competing in all-female chess tournaments because they are believed to have a “distinct and unfair physical advantage.” Speaking to reporters after announcing the policy, Superintendent Jack Brauner noted that it’s liable to be controversial, but in the interest of fairness in sports competition, “we had to do it.” “Look, I know we’re supposed to think that there are no real differences between males and females, but after watching a couple of these transgender guys take on females on the chess board, it…
FLAGSTAFF, Ariz. — Newly minted Democratic presidential frontrunner Joe Biden said Friday if he wins the White House in November he will sign an executive action “on the first day” ordering the Grand Canyon to be filled so Americans can get to Las Vegas faster. “This will be a priority for my administration and, frankly, something I tried to get my good friend President Obama to do when I was his second-in-command,” Biden said at a news conference. “It’s something that we, as a country, should have done a long time ago, and frankly, I don’t have any confidence that…
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — A new study by researchers at Harvard University has found that exercise programs don’t do much to improve health and extend life if they’re not utilized. Dr. Dan Bacon, lead researcher at the institution’s Center for Health Excellence, said many Americans are under the mistaken belief that by simply joining a gym or downloading a fitness app will automatically lead to better fitness. “That’s simply not the case,” Dr. Bacon said. “Just because you see your gym membership auto-deducted from your bank account every month does not translate into actual fitness progress. You kinda have to actually…
SAN FRANCISCO — Mayor London Breed signed a measure this week that was unanimously passed by the city council making it illegal to relieve oneself in private using indoor plumbing, because it’s only “fair” to those who have none. “I have decreed that as long as I’m running this city, we’ll all defecate and urinate outside on our streets equally,” Breed said in a press conference. “It has been my policy from the get-go that we’re going to end this humongous wealth gap which has existed for far too long in our wonderful city by the bay between the haves…
AREA 51, Nev. — In a startling announcement from the country’s most secretive lab, President Trump announced he would be replacing Vice President Mike Pence ahead of the 2020 election with a clone, so he can ensure that he will rule America forever. “I am the most popular president ever, that I can tell you,” the president told reporters as he stood at the podium in a hospital gown. “And I know that Americans will want me to be president forever, that’s how popular I am.” Trump praised researchers at the top secret facility, calling them “wonderful people who really,…
WATERLOO, Iowa — Federal officials arrested the Tooth Fairy late Wednesday night as she prepared to fly out of a suburban home after she left $5 in stolen money under the pillow of a three-year-old boy. The fairy, a.k.a. Linda Wilson of Battle Creek, Mich., is suspected of paying for teeth for decades with money she embezzled from her husband’s family trust. Federal authorities became suspicious after her husband, Michael Wilson, went to check on his stash of cash and instead found dozens of bags of very small, rotting teeth. “This is a heinous crime, make no mistake about it,”…
LOS ANGELES — Symone Sanders, a policy aide to leading Democratic presidential contender Joe Biden, greatly improved her chances of being a top pick in next month’s NFL draft after a textbook tackle of a protester who managed to get on stage the night of Super Tuesday. In fact, according to NFL Network analysts and former players, it’s now very likely that Sanders is going to go high in the first round, and maybe even number one. “You know, the Cincinnati Bengals with the first overall pick, they could use a lot of help on defense,” analyst Rich Eisen said…
HOUSTON — After a Super Tuesday drubbing, Democratic presidential contender Michael Bloomberg decided to drop out of the race, but he was thrown a life raft by leading candidate Sen. Bernie Sanders. “Look, we know how difficult it is to win in this country with radical, ultimately unworkable ideas like ours, but that said, I am announcing today that I will give some of my delegates to Mike Bloomberg if, you know, it’ll keep the little guy happy and in the race,” Sanders said Wednesday. “Mike Bloomberg’s ideas are far more moderate, to be sure, and we like to think…
SACRAMENTO — Tired of sparring with the Trump administration over what state officials have characterized as “silly, little immigration rules,” Democrats in California have simply granted everyone in Mexico and California state citizenship. “Really, we in modern-day California are living on stolen land,” said Gov. Gavin Newsom ahead of signing the citizenship legislation. “This land is their land, this land isn’t our land, from California, to the Redwood forests.” Newsom said he had directed state agencies to prepare for the influx of new citizens “just as quickly as they can run, walk, and crawl across our border.” https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js (adsbygoogle =…
DURHAM, N.H. — A team of researchers specializing in social behavior have just published a groundbreaking study that seems to indicate a combination of terrible table manners and habitual flatulence can lead to excessive loneliness. Dr. Peter Morrow, head of the science department at the University of New Hampshire, said his team believes it has stumbled onto a major finding that’s going to change lives for millions. “We had suspected that being rude to people, eating more than your fair share, putting your elbows on the dinner table, and an occasional belch is what caused some people to not be…
LITTLE ROCK, Ark. — A federal judge ruled ahead of Super Tuesday that presidential contender Joe Biden’s gaffe-prone campaign rhetoric cannot be held against him because “sounding like an idiot” is protected under the Constitution’s free speech clause. “While there is no question the defendant is suffering from a substantial inability to make a lick of sense to anyone but himself, being a meme machine is actually protected speech,” U.S. District Judge Wilmer Skandrick wrote. Biden was sued by rival Democratic campaigns who want voters to know they don’t approve of his linguistical gymnastics and fundamental disregard for clear communications.…
NEW MARKET, Md. — An owl that local authorities believe is responsible for a series of suspected arson fires narrowly escaped captured Monday by using an isolated river route as a fire SWAT team closed in. Capt. Ned Sweeter, head of the fire SWAT team, said it appears as though the owl, whom authorities have only identified as “Bobby,” was tipped off. “He knew we were coming,” Sweeter said, clearly frustrated at Bobby’s last-second escape. “We had this planned to a ‘T.’ https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); The river route is the same one used by other notorious animal…