ST. LOUIS — Sen. Bernie Sanders’ long love affair with Communism will come to an end upon hearing news that China was willing to make a new, permanent trade deal with President Trump. “You know, our campaign has always been based on fooling American workers into believing that Communism is fair and equitable,” Sanders said in a statement ahead of Super Tuesday. “But with this Trump trade deal, China is making a mockery of our deceit! “I felt betrayed after spending my honeymoon in Moscow during the Soviet era after Russia went sort of democratic in 1991,” he added. “Now…
Author: Sandra D
LOS ANGELES — Billionaire hedge fund guy and corporate kiss-butt Tom Steyer has decided to abandon his 2020 presidential aspirations, blaming his string of losses and lack of name recognition on “climate change.” “I’ve told everyone for years this was a huge, huge problem, and by golly, look what happened — I was right!” Steyer told a small room half-filled with supporters as he announced his decision. “If ever there was proof of human-caused climate change, this is it. If that blasted Trump hadn’t backed out of the Paris Climate Accords, I would be well on my way by now to…
COLUMBIA, S.C. — Democratic presidential contender Joe Biden is demanding a recount after the South Carolina primaries on Saturday because having never won one before, he is certain that vote fraud has occurred. “Look fella, this primary was rigged, there’s no doubt about it,” Biden snapped in response to a question from Fox News asking why he believed he must have really lost. “You partisans at Fox News wouldn’t know voter fraud if it bit you in the keister.” Biden campaign officials were seen arguing with South Carolina election officials around 11 p.m. local time. One official from the former…
OKLAHOMA CITY — The EPA is set to issue sweeping new regulations aimed at curbing unwanted flatulence attacks at popular chili cook-offs as incidents increase ahead of the 2020 season. Under the authority of the Clean Air Act, the EPA’s new regulations are expected to mandate that ample supplies of Bean-O are to be kept on-hand by event organizers, or face risk of being forced by government agents to endure dutch ovens with contest winners for failure to comply. Randall Tucker, director of the EPA’s southwest office, noted that the agency has been considering implementing what has become known as…
NORFOLK, Va. — The Chief of Naval Operations said Saturday that from now on, the U.S. Navy will no longer deploy warships at sea because they’ve become “obsolete,” but instead will transform itself into an “all-tank force.” “We’ve seen this coming now for many years and we’ve been prepared for it,” CNO Adm. Charles Whitfield said. “In today’s modern, high-tech world, the sea service just isn’t viable anymore. It’s tanks, man. Tanks.” When asked how the Navy planned to fight at sea using tanks, Whitfield admitted that it will take a lot of planning and major changes in strategy. “But…
NEW YORK CITY — The head of Microsoft admitted Friday that leading Democratic presidential candidate and socialist Sen. Bernie Sanders is correct: Corporate America fat cats like him are a menace to society and should be taxed into oblivion. “I know I’ve sinned all these years by profiting massively from a world-changing invention I created, the ‘personal computer,’ and I’m willing to make up for it now,” Microsoft founder Bill Gates said as he prepared to write the U.S. Treasury a check for every last dime to his name. “Bernie Sanders, that wonderful, blessed man, has opened my eyes. Melinda…
SAN DIEGO, Calif. — In a stunning new analysis, researchers at the University of California say they have discovered what appears to be a link between weight loss and a reduction of caloric intake. People who eat more calories are destined to be bigger and fatter, while people who can push their large backsides away from the dinner table found that their backsides aren’t so large anymore after a while, the analysis found. “It’s a remarkable finding,” said Dr. Phillip H. Moore, the lead scientist in the study. “We actually saw fat cells explode under the microscope when they were…
RAPID CITY, S.D. — After years of legal battles, the U.S. Department of Interior has announced it will not appeal a federal court decision and proceed to erect a national monument to Native Americans honoring their casino-owning culture. “This was a long time coming,” said Sioux Nation president Nathanial Puffy Cloud, whose tribe has been fighting with the federal government for 10 years to recognize Native Americans’ historic role in expanding gambling. https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); “I don’t know why this had to be so difficult,” Puffy Cloud continued. “It’s not like we were asking for a handout…
NEW SMYRNA BEACH, Fla. — A radical climate change activist has decided to end her crusade of trying to convince everyone that humans are destroying the planet and should “get off now” after years of being wrong about the end of life as we know it. “It took me awhile, I’ll admit, but gosh, it’s finally dawned on me that, like, maybe all of my doom-and-gloom predictions were never going to come true,” said Sandy Dahlmeyer, former regional director for the Sierra Club. “What a Debbie Downer I was all of those years!” she exclaimed, jumping for joy at her…
ST. LOUIS — A federal appeals court ruled Thursday that when it comes to CNN’s Jim Acosta, President Trump is permitted to cuss and swear when he gets frustrated by the journalist’s inane and pointless questions. Acosta took the president to court after Trump told him in no uncertain terms what part of his body he could kiss after a particularly tense exchange at the White House in December. “This court is aware that when it’s his turn to ask a question, historically, Plaintiff makes it all about him and seeks a response from the president about things that are…
BALTIMORE, Md. — Medical researchers at Johns-Hopkins Medicine said Wednesday they are on the verge of a vaccine that’s 100 percent effective at preventing Hollywood stars from engaging in random outbursts of political moralizing. Dr. Clint Moreau, chief scientist at the hospital’s Psychiatry and Behavioral Sciences school, said this has been a huge societal problem now for many years, but one that has gotten worse since the 2016 election. “It’s gotten to the point where you can’t turn on an awards show without being relentlessly preached at,” Moreau told reporters here. “Worse, the preaching and moralizing isn’t even fact-based. I…
COLUMBUS, S.C. — The head Joe Biden’s 2020 presidential campaign threw in the towel Wednesday when he decided there’s no path to victory after the the former vice president was founding drooling and mumbling on a nearby school playground at recess. “That’s it,” said campaign manager Seth Rogers, who just days ago had to remind Biden he was running for president, not shop steward for the Political Grifter’s Union Local 667 in Falls Creek, Va. “He just can’t do this anymore. It’s over. He’s reached the end of the trail, politically speaking,” Rogers said. https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});…
SHELBY, Mont. — A former Air Force research scientist-turned-whistleblower who was involved in UFO research in the 1980s is blowing the lid off what really happened at Roswell, N.M. in 1947, when an alien craft crashed in the desert. Retired Lt. Col. Alvin Numera says that the United States was indeed visited by what he called “little green men in a space craft,” but that the circumstances involved in the extraterrestrial incident are not what most people think. “These guys were drunk as a skunk,” Numera reveals for the first time. “They were wasted. That’s why they crashed, man. They…
THE PENTAGON — The chairman of the Joint Chiefs on Staff on Tuesday dismissed concerns about a reported new high-tech stealth Chinese fighter that is supposed to be so much better than the American F-35 because it’s “made in China.” “We’ve heard reports about this new Chinese warplane and understand the concerns,” said U.S. Army Gen. Mark Milley. “But I have to tell you, we’re not paying much attention to them.” When asked why, Milley simply said, “Come on, guys. They’re made in China.” Milley said if the planes were being made for the Chinese military by another country whose…
ATLANTA — The head of CNN’s gargantuan staff of fact checkers said they are preparing to walk off the job if the company does not begin paying raises it promised shortly after President Trump won office. Anticipating that CNN correspondents would become stricken with “Trump Derangement Syndrome” and start filing unsourced, nonsensical stories that they simply wanted to be true, the network launched a hiring spree for an army of fact checkers. But it quickly became obvious that despite dramatically increasing their number, CNN fact checkers were perpetually overwhelmed and could not keep up with demand. Nevertheless, Jerry Baker, head…
WASHINGTON, D.C. — President Trump on Monday sent Democrats into orbit again by actually waking up alive. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) told reporters at the Capitol following an emergency meeting of her caucus that Trump’s will to live has now created a constitutional crisis. “You know, it really would be better for the country if he didn’t do that every single morning,” the Democratic leader said. “It’s not that we wish the president ill, of course, far from it. We just want what we think is best for the country.” https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); “The president says…
MEXICO CITY — The Mexican government warned Monday that drug smuggling has fallen so much because of President Trump’s border wall and other security measures to the point where officials are considering going legitimate. “Look, it’s getting to the point where it’s just not paying anymore and I mean that literally,” Mexican President Andrés Manuel López Obrador, or AMLO, told reporters here. “You can’t believe the amount of money it takes to buy off enough Mexican politicians and military leaders to look the other way,” AMLO continued. “Trump’s border measures have taken a, as he likes to say, yuuuuge toll on…
PUEBLO, Colo. — A new employer study commissioned by a corporate group seeking to squeeze more productivity out of their workforce found that people who nap more on the job get far less accomplished. And while most business owners and factory supervisors generally believe in the importance of getting enough sleep, they really do prefer that workers do so on their own time, according to the results of the study by Gallup. According to the year-long study, Gallup found that people who nap often miss deadlines far more frequently, produce fewer finished products, and create more animosity among workers who…
MINNEAPOLIS, Minn. — Minnesota homeland security officials on Friday raised the state’s security threat level to “high” following a series of incidents involving Canadians attempting to break into the state in search of better baseball. The order to raise the threat level came from Gov. Tim Walz as the MLB’s pre-season kicked off this week and he seeks to protect Minnesotans from from the “bad juju” and “loser mentality” that he believes Toronto Blue Jays fans are sure to bring with them. “The Governor is well aware that the Minnesota Twins topped the American League Central last year and that…
SPRINGFIELD — In an attempt to stop residents from fleeing his scandal-ridden, broke state, Illinois Gov. J. B. Pritzker signed a bill Friday authorizing funding for the construction of a border wall. A spokesman for Pritzker said he supported an earlier version of the legislation that would have also funded machine gun posts every 100 yards, but he did not think that version would have passed the legislature. “While this measure may seem controversial and extreme to some people, it’s in the best interests of the state and, ultimately, of those residents we force to live here,” Pritzker said ahead…
COLUMBIA, S.C. — Understanding that he’ll have to put on a positive disposition much more often as leader of the free world, Sen. Bernie Sanders vowed to have facial surgery in the fall to remove the permanent scowl on his face should he defeat President Trump. “Yeah, I know, it’s a problem we’ve talked about,” Sanders said as he campaigned here ahead of the Super Tuesday elections. “I just scared a little baby I was trying to hug, and I can’t be doing that, uh, you know, as president,” the Vermonter said. https://pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js (adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({}); Campaign chief…